


The Problem With Wanting

by eastwynds



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Come ON Alina what are you doing, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, THEY BELONGED TOGETHER, The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak, moar kissing plz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 04:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15041180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eastwynds/pseuds/eastwynds
Summary: The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak.An AU-ish one-shot, probably set sometime between the end of S&S and the start of R&R. The Darkling appears to Alina and she can no longer hide her desire for power… or for him.





	The Problem With Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> Partly inspired by this absolutely amazing fanart:  
>  **http://monolime.tumblr.com/post/174865742508/let-me-it-isnt-real-let-me**  
>  I haven’t written a fic in forever, but that scene… THAT SCENE.

“How many times do I have to destroy you?”  
  
I stood facing the Darkling defiantly, my arms crossed. I tried to slow my panicked breathing, reassuring myself that it was only his usual apparition in front of me and not his flesh-and-blood self. His spectral form was bad enough, but at least he wasn’t _actually_ standing in my room.  
  
The hint of a smile quirked at the Darkling’s lips. “Oh, Alina. Stop pretending you didn’t miss me,” he said. “You’ve been waiting for me, haven’t you? Wondering why I hadn’t visited you… hoping I still lived?”  
  
I bristled at that, but I couldn’t make myself deny it.  
  
“How?” I asked, clipping the word between clenched teeth. “How did you survive?”  
  
“I’m not sure I know how to do anything else, Alina.” There was something wistful, almost melancholy in his voice. “When you’ve wielded the kind of power I have, for as long as I have… the question you must eventually ask yourself is a different one. How can I _die?_ ”  
  
A shiver rippled through me. If we were truly as alike as he claimed, then I had that kind of power, too. The thought exhilarated me more than it should have.  
  
“Have you ever considered it?” I asked him, my voice unsteady. “I mean... dying?”  
  
“I’ve had my moments.” His forehead furrowed, as though he were remembering something unpleasant. “You’d be surprised. But I don’t think about it now. Not anymore. Not when there is so much to live for.”  
  
He held out one pale hand, beckoning me forward.  
  
I didn’t dare step any closer to him. I didn’t trust myself. I could already feel that tether between us tightening, stronger than before. His power whispered at the edges of my consciousness.  
  
I took a step back.  
  
“I know you’re not afraid of me, Alina,” he said, shaking his head. “That’s not why you draw back. No. You’re afraid of yourself. Of how much you see yourself in me.”  
  
“I’m nothing like you,” I spat. “I’ll never be anything like you!”  
  
There was that quirk of a smile again. “So much protest,” he said. “And yet you show so little resistance.”  
  
He took another step toward me, his hand still outstretched, and my traitorous heart leapt.  
  
“What do you want?” I managed. “Why did you come here?”  
  
“Oh, my sweet sun-saint,” he whispered, almost mockingly. “You know what I want. The same thing you do. Would it please you so much to hear me say it out loud?”  
  
I shivered again. Power was humming through me, wisps of light gathering unbidden in my palms. My arms prickled, starlight beading on my skin like tiny translucent pearls. I brushed it away, scattering it back toward the window, but I was still glowing.  
  
Then the Darkling reached out and trailed his hand down my bare arm, and my whole body lit up, incandescent. I couldn’t stop myself. Not with him looking at me like that, his eyes drinking me in like I was the sun itself.  
  
I should have pushed him away. I should have wielded the Cut against his shadow-form, sent him shattering back to whatever dark realm he kept court in. But it was all I could do to hold back from touching him. I wanted to reach out for him, to reach right into him, to seize the power that had threatened to consume us both. I wanted all of him.  
  
I no longer feared that it would kill me if I took in the whole of that darkness again. Now, I only feared that it _wouldn’t_.  
  
“Why do you insist on denying yourself like this, Alina?” the Darkling murmured. “You think this is easy for me? That I’m not suffering just as much from your absence?” He paused. “I know where you are right now. We’re not as far apart as you think.”  
  
I jerked back. “What?”  
  
“My spies are everywhere. You can’t hide from me so easily.” He gave a low chuckle. “I could have been there a week ago, storming your little stronghold. I wanted to… and I still want to. Desperately. I’ve come so close to throwing away every careful plan I’ve made, burning everything to the ground just to get to you. Even if it meant putting myself in danger.”  
  
“Danger?” I scoffed. “Danger from what, exactly? You’re indestructible, you said it yourself. You’ve as much as proven that you have no weakness.”  
  
“Ahhh.” He raised his hand again, caressing my cheek, letting his long fingers slip slowly down my neck until they rested on Morozova’s collar. “Don’t I?”  
  
The words he’d said to me so long ago, in that darkened room at the winter fete, suddenly rang in my ears. _The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak._  
  
“Part of you wants to destroy me,” he whispered. “I feel it. You want to tear me to pieces. To take your anger out on me… to make me pay for everything I’ve done. But you want something else, too, Alina.” He looked at me knowingly. “And I’m the only one who can give it to you. Don’t you understand that I feel the same way? _That_ kind of wanting is so much more dangerous than any weapon, more dangerous than any power a Grisha could wield against me.”  
  
“I don’t want anything from you,” I said, somehow managing to keep my composure.  
  
He leaned closer, his lips brushing against my ear. “You know how it feels now. You and me, together. You dream of it, just like I do. You know you could have that again, and more, if you’d only come to me... and you don’t care any more what it costs you. That’s what you’re so afraid of.”  
  
Saints, was he reading my mind? How far could he see into the depths of my horrible, hidden truths? What exactly did he know?  
  
My frantic thoughts flashed back to those nights when I’d lain awake in his bed in the Little Palace, light gathering on my skin as I turned restlessly over his silken black sheets. Whenever I’d slipped my glowing hand down between my thighs, I’d always thought about the power: the way the light had exploded from my body the first time I’d used the collar, and the fetter… and the way it had felt to touch the Darkling’s power.  
  
I’d tried not to think of _him_. I’d tried not to remember his hands on me, the way his mouth moved over mine, the way he’d pressed me up against that door like I was all he wanted. I’d tried not to imagine what might have happened that night after the party, if things had gone differently, if he’d only taken me straight to his bed instead of going to the war room–  
  
Saints knew how many times I’d tried and failed not to think about the Darkling. But he’d inevitably been on my mind when I threw my head back against his pillows, gasping as waves of light spilled out of me, temporarily slaking that relentless longing. And when I’d opened my eyes, catching my breath, I was always at once relieved and disappointed to find he wasn’t standing there looking at me.  
  
Now, I shoved those thoughts away, hoping he wouldn’t notice the sudden flush in my cheeks. The smirk on his face said he’d already guessed more than I wanted him to.  
  
“Stop it,” I snapped. “Stop smiling like that.”  
  
“Where was your mind just now, hmm?” He leaned closer still, stroking my moon-white hair. “What do you want, Alina? Just say it, and you’ll have it.”  
  
His lips were almost on mine now, but he didn’t move to close that last tiny bit of distance. Damn him and his unfaltering control.  
  
“Come to me, Alina,” he whispered.  
  
“Never,” I said. Or attempted to. My mouth was already over his, and the word came out as a muffled moan. The power flared up in me, hot and bright and strong, rising to meet him. The tether between us snapped tight, and I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. And in that instant, I stopped holding back.  
  
I kissed him wildly, hungrily. My fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer. He had to know I wasn’t that fumbling, awkward girl from the fete anymore. I wasn’t some fawning acolyte to be claimed, not some subservient Grisha to be controlled. No, I was the Sun Summoner, exultant and powerful. The only equal he had. I kissed him like I was the one pressing _him_ up against that door, seducing him senseless. I could have made him forget about going to the war room now.  
  
The power filled me quickly: so much clear white light, shot with swirling strands of shadow. The force of it almost overwhelmed me, but I still wanted more. Every part of my being was reaching out for him, calling out to him. I wanted to take everything, to give him everything, to drag us both to our knees like I had in the chapel. It was as if we'd been starving for each other, and now there could never be enough. I was ablaze, fierce and luminous and terrifying in his arms, and I had never felt more like I belonged _anywhere_.  
  
The Darkling finally pulled back and broke the kiss, releasing me. His spectral form shimmered and flickered, but I could still see him there. The skeins of darkness pouring from his hands were flecked with sparks of bright white.  
  
“Alina,” he gasped, his face pure elation. “You see what you do to me?”

His eyes glowed like tiny lanterns with the reflections of my light, and his dark hair was ruffled. His breathing was as ragged as mine.  
  
I was unable to say a single word in reply. My entire body was still shaking.  
  
He grazed his hand over my neck and shoulders, tracing the shape of the stag’s antlers with a lover’s teasing touch. I was dying to kiss him again, but he stayed just out of reach.  
  
“I would burn the whole world down for this, Alina.” His words slid over me like black silk. “But together… we could remake the world. We could do things you can’t even dream are possible. You and me.”  
  
When he drew his hand away from my skin, a faint dusting of light remained on his fingertips like fine sugar. He lifted it slowly to his mouth, his eyes never leaving mine as he licked the glow from his fingers.  
  
The longing that ripped through me then was almost unbearable. Saints, how I wanted him... and he was only a ghost. I dreaded to think what I’d do if we were actually in the same room.  
  
“Imagine what it will be like for us when this is real,” the Darkling whispered. “When we meet again, I can give you everything. Everything you want.”  
  
_The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak._  
  
“You’re a fool,” I choked out. “When we meet again, I _will_ find a way to destroy you.”  
  
The Darkling raked back his dishevelled hair. “Ahhh, but you can’t destroy me unless you come to me,” he said. “So come, Alina. Come find me. And when you do… I promise you can do anything you desire to me.”  
  
He smiled, licking the last flecks of light from his lips. And then he was gone.


End file.
